I felt the need to talk about the past two years. Why? Because the person that I am today is definitely not the person I was back in high school. I was naive, too optimistic, too caring. I had always the idea that everyone mean what they say; I kinda lived in my own world: small circle of friends and family. But then, this boarding school happened. I was obliged to stay there due to a full time schedule. And GOD, I discovered a LOT of things: I met different kind of persons that I got to know cause we lived together, I heard some stories and I witnessed some events that got me like WHOA ; where was I this whole time? Is this really the world I'm living in? I mean, how can people be that evil? That stupid? That blind? 

From the girl who preaches  about religion all the time to that girl who keeps telling us about her adventures with her exes, I found a little bit of everything there. But one thing I learned for sure is that appearances can be misleading: you may think that this particular "smiling" girl is happy and leading a perfect happy life, but once you get to know what her life really looks like, you realize that you got the very wrong idea; that this girl is leading a life as miserable as yours. 
There is also this type of people: hypocrite pathetic kind of ones. The ones who hate you even if they don't know you. It's something that I can't really grasp: why the hell would you hate someone without knowing him? Why? ...Well, I kept telling myself that they are just not worth the jail time. 

When it comes to love, I never really liked someone for the past two years. There was this confusion tho' with this guy for a certain time, but it went away as quickly as it appeared. For the rest, it was just fun and games: physical attractions but never mental ones...

And then there is the best thing that happened to me: meeting those three precious persons who literally made EVERYTHING better; like EVERY FUCKING SINGLE THING, and God, I'll always be thankful for that. Especially meeting "my person" (a Grey's Anatomy thing): you know that friend who understands you perfectly without even having to speak, that soul-mate kind of friend. Yes, the "introverted schizophrenic weirdo suffering from social anxiety" me got to meet that once in a lifetime kind of people. (Can't help but tear-smile while writing this...) It's funny how I'm trying to transform all those mixed feelings into words, I'm not good at that; I actually suck when it comes to feelings and shit. 

I cleaned up my room back in the dorms today and I picked up all my stuffs that were left there, and it's what I felt today that got me to write this article. You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place. Like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, cause you'll never be this way ever again.  

"Sometimes, I really hate you. Sometimes, I sincerely wish you never existed, you never got into my life, never met me at the point of my existence where I was so desperate to meet someone like you, never held my hand, never looked me in the eyes before to place your irresistibly toxic lips upon mine and kissed me so hard I wished to die in your arms so that I wouldn’t have to live the end of that kiss. But then, just when this uncontrollable hatred starts to boil inside of me, you speak. You don’t just let words float out of your mouth; you speak. You think of the perfectly appropriate thing to say. You leave me speechless at how you saw through me and found exactly what I wanted to hear, then formulate it in a weirdly sexually appealing way.

First, I was fascinated at your ability to do so. But now I just feel stupid every time you do it. It’s the most ridiculous way to get away with whatever load of pain you made me go through. It works, because I am so fucking weak whenever you are anywhere near me. I am too weak to ask you to apologize or shout  how angry I am and how bad I want you to get lost. So, I just let go of how little of common sense I have, and play your game of manipulating pleasure. I accept the torture in return of the little moments of happiness when we’re together." 

If this will last a bit longer, your fingers running through my hair, your breath on my neck, your taste in my mouth, your sensual touch, your sultry hugs will make me suffocate.  

(Taken from "getafuckingbrain.wordpress.com") 

You know what I'm sick of? The Kardashians! They go all around playing their diva thing with nothing in their brain. I'm sick of Justin Bieber stories, and all those tiny little fucking celebrities who keep complaining cause their lovers cheated on them. All they keep doing is making us feel like shit cause we don't get to spend our holidays in Dubai or sleep in a Dior dress.
I'm sick of being judged by people even if they don't know me. I'm sick of being told what to do. I'm sick of others trying to give me lessons about life cause for them I suck at being a human. I'm sick of the way people prefer beauty instead of intelligence, making this one just a shitty thing that doesn't count.
I'm sick of this country and its creepy people. I'm sick of all those sexual inappropriate comments I hear everytime I go out just to buy fucking bread, shoutted out by sick twisted perverts. I'm sick of all those looks I receive everytime I give my honest and different opinion.
And you know what? I'm sick of being sick and tired. It just pisses me off the fact that I am not able to express how sick and tired I am.
Be thankful is the only answer they can give me.
Well, nobody will listen anyway.

All it took was one morning, one second, one action to confuse the hell out of me. What are you? Why do I feel this way this time? The truth is I don't even know what the fuck I am feeling. Is it love? Lust? Hate? 

You want me to be completely honest?  I've never had feelings for anyone. I, always, have been terrified of love. Knowing that it will either save me or cripple me. If there is one thing beautiful in this messed up world, it is love. But oh God, it's horrific at the same time. Loving someone with your entirety , only to have it all taken away within seconds... 

What's the worst part of this? He doesn't care. And I've never imagined myself that I would care. But I did. And it's killing me since. Overthinking will definetely drive me crazy. 

I don't love him, but I'm feeling something.. I do miss him... Sometimes, I just want to go to him, to get drunk , listen to all of our favourite songs and kiss so much that our lips burn.. And for that, I hate myself. 

I am lucky. I have a father, a caring and a responsible father that I love so very much. He has done a lot for us and I can't thank him enough.
But, let's say, every person has a bad side. Including my father.
This is not the first time that I write about him, I wrote about him so many times. In all those secret diaries that I was keeping in my childhood, I always find "articles" about him. But I deleted everything I wrote about him in my computer, because I felt guilty. I should be thankful to have a father , but instead I keep complaining. Yes, I am thankful, I'm so thankful, but his actions are really affecting my life, and my brother's, and my sisters! Everyone should think like him, should act like him, should live like him. But we can't! We have our own lives, our own thoughts...He's never okay with our choices. For him, we are weird, all of our decisions are completely wrong. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle this anymore.
Those poor and few words cannot express how upsetting it is to live with him...
I want FREEDOM, I want to live by myself and not being judge for every move I make! I want to be able to make my OWN decisions without him interfering! I just want FREEDOM!
But, I love you dad.
Your lucky and cursed daughter.

When I started writing this article, I suddenly thought of paradise. I have no idea why. I have some pictures of me when I was a child hanging in front of my desk, was it paradise? Care free, drama free, not really aware of what's happening around.. Well yes in a way.. But no, definitely no. 
(I'm not talking about religion, it's the concept in general!) 
I can stay in front of my laptop for hours, trying to figure out what paradise is for me.. But I couldn't write a single word. Why is it so complex? So hard to define? It seems like an obvious concept, but apparently it's not! 
I have to admit , I aim to achieve that idea of paradise of me, that's why I called it "Dark". Dark because I have so many dreams in my head. Dark because my mind is a bunch of random ideas which are constantly changing. Dark because I don't even know what paradise is for me. 

It's funny how those ideas mess up with my head, and it's hilarious as me trying to put it on words here. But who cares, all the readers are perfectly strangers... which is nice. 

Live. Laugh. Make love.. xoxo 

Life sucks. It really does. Love does to. It's that weird, magical and annoying thing you feel every second of the day. It's a poison that aims to destroy every part of you as long as you are breathing. That's how much love sucks.
It's really hard to find a love shared by two persons, sometimes I think it's impossible! Everyday, I just meet that one-sided love.. 
He loved me, he was so sincere and honest, so sweet, so caring..He was so incredibly nice, sweetly nervous and would treat me like a queen.  But I left him. I thought I could feel the same if I gave him a shot, but I couldn't. All I was doing is playing with his feelings, since I wasn't sure about mine... 
I broke his heart, I know.I made him feel like a total shit. It's devastating. What am I supposed to do now? Ask him to forgive me? Forget me? ..
I'm sorry.